How Meditation Saved My Life by Christina Martine
When I was 17, I was suffering from severe mental illness. I was obsessive compulsive, which meant I constantly counted things, traced things, repeated things over and over again in my head. I got stuck on words when reading books and had to repeat them to myself over and over again until they sounded right until my insatiable mind was temporarily satisfied. I had strange tics, too. In school, I was so utterly bored and found it hard to sit still so my mind would race. To comfort myself, to bring myself back into the present, I would stretch my neck constantly or hum to myself, or my favourite, tighten all my metal jewelry, and if I was wearing jeans, my fly. I tried to be as secretive as possible about my oddities but I’m sure some people thought I was a little off-kilter. One person saw the calluses on my pointer finger, created over time from pressing the tips of my fingers into the pull tab of my zipper so often, and asked me if I played guitar. I just said no and shrugged.
My home life was extremely abusive. Living with a narcissistic parent is something you don’t wish on anyone. For a narcissist, nothing can be wrong with them. If a bad feeling comes up, it’s always another person’s fault. The ego they create to mask their deep wounds and insecurities is overinflated, a highly unstable lie. When that ego is challenged, all hell breaks loose, and things can get violent. In my case, because I was an overly sensitive empath, words hurt me the most. When you’re depressed and someone tells you that you’re a worthless failure again and again, you start to believe it.
My OCD wasn’t enough. I began starving myself, binging and purging my food, stealing, do anything to make myself feel better, feel more in control. I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, but they just suppressed it and made it worse.
After a suicide attempt, I had my first awakening, or remembering. I heard the voice of my higher self clearly say to me, “Christina, if you kill yourself, you’ll just have to come back to Earth and do this all over again.” Suddenly I knew that I was meant to be on Earth. I began to question why. Who was I really?
The book, The Power of Now, inspired me to start meditating again. Moving into my own consciousness, into the darkness, the silence, was difficult at first. Thoughts that weren’t even mine echoed through my mind. But I continued to watch and observe. Even without thought, I still existed. Without thought, all my problems vanished. I clearly saw that I was a spiritual being inhabiting a human body. My thoughts and emotions were only passing, not mine to keep.
I remember when I first started meditating I wrote down this statement over and over again:
There is more power in surrender.
I had to convince myself to let go, to jump off the cliff into the void, and once I did, I realized the only death I feared was the death of my mind.
So I died, before my physical death, and saw that I was eternal.
Meditation got easier over time, and life followed.
I remember one day I was trying to think about the something I was obsessed about, and I just couldn’t remember.
I started laughing, and knew I was free.
Christina Martine is a spiritual teacher who is not aligned with any particular religion. Her message is simple: You have the power to heal yourself, end suffering and awaken to your true potential. She runs the online community and social media site www.entersatoria.com, which is completely free of abuse and advertisements.
Editor’s note: Her brand new book is called Fifth Dimensional Healing which holistically discusses esoteric, spiritual topics on alchemical soul transformation. This is meant to help with anxiety and trauma, helping you to find God existing within and remember that you are blessed beyond imagination. You can learn more about her work with celestial transmissions, astrological reports, art and music on http://christinamartine.com/